The Manic Missions of...

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Foreword

I tried to save the world. The whole gosh darn world. Let’s just say I got a little ahead of myself. I was about to put my life on the line to bring the Eastern and Western worlds together, but luckily, I failed miserably.  Apparently, the Universe didn’t want it so. The chances of me making it out alive were probably worse than a foot soldier on D-Day jumping out of his boat under heavy machine gun fire. I am so lucky to be alive.

As humiliating as it sounds, I thought I was actually the second coming of Jesus Christ.  On an Alpine mountaintop in Switzerland, I thought I was being nailed to the cross and hoisted into the air to my demise. I didn’t know if it was a dream or actually happening due to the blurred lines of reality. The notion of me personally dying for humanity’s sins had never crossed my mind at age of twenty-one, but there it was staring me in the face. Had this experience been a dream that lasted a minute or two in my sleep, I would have considered that somewhat normal behavior. However, this fantasy played out for days on end while I was awake and alert until it reached a crescendo.

 

At first, I embraced the notion I was the Son of God. It felt like I was in a strange movie playing the role of an actor playing Jesus and the world was my stage with the ultimate purpose of saving people from their sins if they accepted me.

 

 

 

 

After several days of my “ministry”, the mission was over as I further tried to bring salvation to the world, not like some vane preacher, but as Jesus himself.  I was rejected by strangers and peers alike.  I no longer wanted to be Jesus, but I felt there was no other way to escape God’s will but to end my life.  The notion of God bringing me into this world and then expecting I live up to the expectations of the Son of God himself created a lot of psychological confusion and consternation in my mind.

Although I came close to ending my life during this episode, I narrowly averted utter tragedy to live another day.

 

The answer as to what happened to me was that I was suffering from an acute psychological malady called bipolar disorder.  I had a psychotic break from reality.  The following true stories are my struggle with the mental illness also known as manic depression. Many have written stories about their mental illness; however, I have yet to read one with such stunning coincidences, synchronicity, and prolonged manic episodes such as this. I can say with cautious certainty that the journey is far from over.

 

The purpose for releasing my deepest, darkest secrets to the world is that I want to raise awareness for those that suffer from all mental illnesses, especially those with anxiety, depression, schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. One in five Americans suffer each year from a mental illness according to the National Alliance on Mental Illness.

 

I have a strong feeling of compassion for the families and friends that may have lost somebody due to mental illness by taking their own life or due to reckless behavior. At least a quarter to half of all patients with bipolar disorder attempt suicide at least once. I am no exception; however, in my case, it was reckless behavior, not intentional suicide.  In one instance, I thought I could metaphysically jump through a freight train and matter would pass through matter.

If I can console one person or save one life with this story, I would have accomplished my mission.  On the flip-side, if my story is making you manic, anxious, or depressed, I suggest you put it down for good or until you are in a more stable mental space.

 

Chances are high that at least one of my stories strikes a special chord with you and if you get manic or not, you might think something magic just happened. Well, it probably did, because we are all interconnected. We’re all in this together. There is a Universal Truth that we all can tap into. Many of us share the same universal archetypal symbols that evoke deep and unconscious responses in the reader. They are characters, images, and themes that symbolically represent universal meanings and basic human experiences, regardless of when or where you live.

 

You might be familiar with the term “synchronicity” which are non-causal moments of coincidence to which we affix a special meaning.  Some might call a certain event a sign from God when the perfect thing happens right at the perfect time. Many dismiss or overlook those signs; however, being a manic depressive, I feel we are more intuitive to recognizing these signs, in some cases to a fault. It’s one thing to recognize a sign.  It’s another to apply the right interpretation or conclusion. Just because you pulled into your driveway at precisely 11:11 doesn’t exactly mean God is granting you a wish like a genie.  But perhaps, it’s a good time to just say a little prayer for somebody sick out there in the Universe.

 

Apart from enlightening souls and bringing people from darkness to light, my other aim is to help chip away at the negative social stigma societies apply.

 

I experienced total insanity on several occasions, and that scares most people to the point they either mock me or turn the other shoulder and talk smack about me. There have been TENS OF MILLIONS of people that have been admitted to a mental hospital around the world. Many are embarrassed or afraid to tell even their closest friends and family members.

Through telling my story, I hope those readers that make fun of people with mental illness reconsider their cruel intentions.  Sometimes it just takes a lot more effort to understand people like me.  For those readers with a past or present mental illness, I challenge you to tell your story, but do so with prudence so you don’t jeopardize nor harm your relationships or your occupation.

 

One thing that’s kept me alive is holding on to my sense of humor and I hope that comes through in the book. I have humbled myself greatly, especially after making some awful judgment calls. I have been able to look back in retrospect and laugh at myself. With that, I’ve also learned to forgive myself for my transgressions against others.

 

These memoirs are my personal story that reflects my personal opinions.  I am not an advocate for actions that might lead somebody towards a manic episode like playing with your meds without supervision, taking drugs recreationally, or engaging in any other activities that are triggers for mania. The sensation of being manic can be a really positive experience that allures one into wanting to induce mania. That to me, is like playing with fire. 

 

The gene that causes manic depression shares many characteristics with the “genius” gene. It’s no wonder two of our greatest Presidents whose faces were memorialized on Mt. Rushmore were both geniuses and also posthumously diagnosed as clinically depressed and bipolar; Abraham Lincoln and Theodore Roosevelt respectively.

 

I’d like to acknowledge all my friends and family that have supported me and kept me ticking, especially those that empathized with my struggle. There are too many to mention. An honorable mention goes out to my father, Joe, for going way above and beyond what any other parent would do to bring me to safety when I was in peril. His unconditional love and understanding for me was unparalleled. A big shout out goes to my mother, Mousie, for her never giving up on me. I would also like to acknowledge my former wife, Mariam, who kept me alive and ticking for over ten years during the best years of my life and continues to be a wonderful support. Had I not run into her, certainly I’d be dead or locked up in jail or an insane asylum indefinitely.

 

I would like to end the beginning with a personal message of peace. I can’t say I excel at any one particular thing in life, but if I had to name one, it’s that I’m a connector of hearts, souls and minds. This book is meant to open new dialogues with your families, friends, and even strangers and bring you closer in harmony with the love, compassion and the rhythm of the Universe. Seek the good in people, places and events.  It boils down to your attitude and intention.

 

The following true stories are my struggle with Bipolar Disorder, more specifically; the commonly accepted diagnosis is Schizo-Affective Disorder with Bipolar Type.   People with the condition experience psychotic symptoms, such as hallucinations or delusions, as well as symptoms of a mood disorder.

 

I wrote this story over many years, but finally mustered up the courage to publish it now that the plot has reached a new catharsis. I actually exposed myself to my peers and ran for President.  I didn't make it that far, but that's not the point.  

My past insanity and poor decision making are now all exposed to the world. Many have written stories about their mental illness; however, I have yet to read one with such stunning coincidences and prolonged manic episodes such as this. I can say with cautious certainty that the journey is far from over.

 

The reason for releasing my deepest, darkest secrets to the world is that I want to raise awareness for those that suffer from the illness or those that have a loved one with manic depression. I have a strong feeling of compassion for the families and friends that may have lost somebody due to mental illness by taking their own life or due to reckless behavior. I’m not a believer in hell and I certainly don’t think God would send somebody that commits suicide to such a place. At least a quarter to half of all patients with bipolar disorder attempt suicide at least once. I am no exception. If I can console one person or save one life with this book, I’d be happy. On the flipside, if this book is making you manic, I suggest you put it down for good or until you are in a more stable mental space.

 

Chances are high that at least one of my stories strikes a special chord with you and if you’re manic or not, you might think something magic just happened.  Well, it probably did, because we are all interconnected. We’re all in this together. There is a Universal Truth that we all can tap into. Many of us share the same universal archetypal symbols that evoke deep and unconscious responses in the reader.

 

One thing that’s kept me alive is holding on to my sense of humor and I hope that comes through in the book. I have humbled myself greatly, especially after making some awful judgement calls and been able to look back in retrospect and laugh at myself. With that, I’ve also learned to forgive myself for my transgressions against others and harbor fewer resentments.

 

This memoir is my personal story that reflects my personal opinions. I am not an advocate for actions that might lead somebody towards a manic episode like playing with your meds without supervision,

taking drugs recreationally, or engage in any other activities that are triggers for mania. The sensation of being manic can be a really positive experience that allures one into wanting to induce mania. That, to me, is like playing with fire.

 

I’d like to acknowledge all my friends and family that have supported me and kept me ticking, especially those that empathized with my struggle. There are too many to mention. You know who you are. An honorable mention goes out to my father, Joe, for going way above and beyond what any other parent would do to bring me to safety when I was in peril.  His unconditional love for me was unparalleled. A big “shout out” goes to my mom, Mousie, for her never giving up on me.  I would also like to acknowledge my former wife, Mariam, who kept me alive and ticking for over ten years during the best years of my life and continues to be a wonderful support.  Had I not run into her, certainly I’d be dead or locked up in an insane asylum indefinitely.

 

I would like to end the beginning with a personal message of peace. I can’t say I excel at any one particular thing in life, but if I had to name one, it’s that I’m a connector of hearts, souls and minds. This book is meant to open new dialogues with your families, friends, and even strangers and bring you closer in harmony with the love, compassion and the rhythm of the Universe. Seek the good in people, places and events.  It boils down to your attitude and intention.  And lastly…

 

Please be kind!

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